Empire Lyric Players
The "List Song" 2007

As some day it may happen (the "List Song")

Alternate Words for the 2007 production of The Mikado
Text in black by Guy Williams ("Ko-Ko")

KO-KO: As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list - I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed - who never would be missed! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs - All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs - All children who sit "texting" all their friends while they're in school; Then won't help you set your VCR, and let you feel the fool -- (Too busy playing video games to offer to assist!) They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed! MEN'S CHORUS: He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed! KO-KO: There's the entertainment concept that puts actors out of work: "Reality TV" - it makes no sense to me! It pits your average housewife against video store clerk, And offers them a perk, if they prove the bigger jerk! Then celebrity-struck gossip-mongers posing as adults -- "Which pop star is in rehab and which actor joined a cult?" And those people who, in shopping malls, with Bluetooths in their ear, Have "private" conversations -- loud enough for all to hear; And that singular anomaly, the pet psychologist! I don't think she'd be missed - I'm sure she'd not be missed! MEN'S CHORUS: He's got her on the list - he's got her on the list; And I don't think she'll be missed - I'm sure she'll not be missed! KO-KO: And that enemy of music, who assaults us every day: The rap-song lyricist! I've got him on the list! All drivers who drink lattes while they use their PDAs -- The distracted motorist! He really gets me p--eeved! And annoying public figures with abbreviated names, Such as "O.J.", "Flo-Jo", "J-Lo"; (they begin to sound the same!) And there's "Brad-gelina", "Tom-Kat", and that fellow who was "Prince"- (If he thought that was a good idea, I'm simply not convinced.) But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed! MEN'S CHORUS: You may put 'em on the list - you may put 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed!

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Encore
(from the Stratford-Upon-Ontario, Canada production)

KO-KO: Then the patrons of the theatre who clap their hands with glee For the pseudo-soloist; I've got you on the list, And the encores of these patter songs, demanded gratis free - They never would be missed; of course you will insist. The artistical arrangements of the strings, woodwinds and drums - The fiddle-players, trumpeters and timpianic guns. Percussionists and pianists, and polyphonics, too; The chorus and the principals, you must agree they'll do - So it really doesn't matter if they're not upon the list, For they surely would be missed, they surely would be missed! MEN'S CHORUS: You may leave us off the list, you may leave us off the list, For we surely would be missed, we surely would be missed!